I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
