I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
