I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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