By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
