so that wasnt chicken after all
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
where does the pee come out of this thing
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
