You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
