Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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