Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
