oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
