So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
