I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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