I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i dont even know how to be here
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
