3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
