Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
