I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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