you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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