just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
