dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
