My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
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You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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