well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
