like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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