Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
