I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
