were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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