the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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