you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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