i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
