I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
