so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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