I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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