All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
