I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
