i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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