you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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