god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Randomize
