I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize