Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
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