He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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