I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
