I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
