I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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