Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
