It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Randomize
