if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
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