I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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