Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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