Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
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you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
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Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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