Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Every concussion has its silver lining
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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