I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I have tasted many bathrooms
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
