maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
