You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
