I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
