I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
