my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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