my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
