I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
