weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
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I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
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I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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